Why Am I Here?

I wrote this post about a week ago but hadn’t got around to publishing it but as I head back to the UK tomorrow for six weeks, it seems fitting to explain more as to why I am in Thailand in the first place. 

It’s hard to know how to start certain posts sometimes, this post is one such post. I’ve had really bad back pain recently and it seems apt to mention this as it was my back problems that effectively brought me to Thailand in the first place.

My back giving up the ghost on me three years ago led my mind to places I’d never been to before, places which were, of course, bad places at first but after three months of laying in bed, alone with my thoughts, my mind began to fight back. This wasn’t how it was going to end for me, life isn’t for feeling sorry for yourself or thinking negative thoughts for too long – basically life can be summed up very easily…it’s about doing whatever you can to make yourself happy (as long as no one else gets hurt obviously!)

As I lay in bed it didn’t take me long to realise that I wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for many years. I came to Thailand due to the feeling that I hadn’t really lived my life…I was alive but I wasn’t living.

At the time my back decided to take a break from the rest of my body I was living in a room so small you couldn’t even pick up a cat in it, nevermind think of swinging it, I was in a dead-end day job, I’d messed up my last relationship and my comedy ‘career’ was effectively going sideways…at high speed.

Looking back now, I was just going through the motions, feeling like I had no choice. I’ve realised that my back giving out probably saved me from a life of boredom and regret. That sounds slightly dramatic but because I was unable to go anywhere and do anything I had nothing else to do but watch Netflix and over think things…and wow, did I do a lot of thinking. Up until the point when the discs in my back tried to divorce me I’d just carried on, ignoring how unhappy I was and trying to fill the emptiness with bitterness, drugs and selfloathing…a truly wonderful combination.

During this period of reflection, making a ‘me shaped hole’ in my mattress, I actually began to figure out what it was that was making me unhappy and what I could do to rectify the situation. A lot of people in this predicament don’t have the time to actually stop and think for long periods of time, I thank my shit back for giving me the opportunity to find out what would make me happy.

The grind of performing stand-up comedy didn’t make me happy anymore so that was the first thing I decided to change. Once I’d made peace with the thought of not pursing a life in comedy performing I realised I didn’t need to live in London – comedy was the only thing keeping me in the city so why be here if I’m not going to do it anymore.

The next thing I decided to do was to go somewhere totally out of my comfort zone, to get as far away from the UK as I could. Up to that point the furthest I’d been was Canada when I was 17 with the venture scouts…yes, I was that cool!

Judging by the reactions of family and friends, the news of my decision to have a 2 week holiday in Thailand was something that was totally unexpected to them…it was a surprise to me to be honest but as I made my way out to explore on that first morning in Bangkok, I knew I’d made one of the best decisions of my life. Everything was just so…different! New sights, smells and cultural differences alien to my norm hit me like a wave of frying pans!

Before I’d even got back on the plane to the UK I was trying to work out when I would return and 6 months later I was back but this time it was different. This time I met someone.

I don’t know why I haven’t mentioned it before but I think it has to do with how some people react when they hear that you have met a Thai lady…and jugding by my fathers reaction when I told him, he is one of those people. The internet is full of stories of single ‘farang’s’ coming to Thailand, meeting a girl in a bar and totally loosing their minds (and money), but this isn’t one of these stories. I met Malinee. Beautiful, smart, kind and funny Malinee…and we didn’t meet in a ‘bar’. We spent as much time together as we could and video called each other everyday when I returned to the UK. I visited several more times until I just thought, ‘fuck it’ and decided to try to make a go of it and last July we moved into our apartment together.

I know I shouldn’t really care what people think, my close friends know, my parents know (and my father has calmed down having now met and spoken to Malinee) but I think, in this modern world where we only see people through social media and hardly spend any ‘real’ time with them, it’s easy to make assumptions – I was worried about people I hardly knew or had never met making an assumption or judging me. We all do it to a certain degree…I’ve done it, regrettably. I think we do it without even knowing we’re doing it sometimes. I’m not talking about YOU, I’m talking about the people who are judging me in my head…what I imagine people think when I tell them I’ve moved to Thailand to be with my girlfriend.

I still don’t know why I acted this way and now, as I write this, I feel a bit daft for my actions…and now I feel daft for feeling daft…and now I feel daft for saying I feel daft just then and now I feel…well, I wont go on. I’ve got to know myself a lot more since my good old back decided to go on an all-inclusive 3 month holiday and one of the things I’ve realised is that I need to open up more, be more honest and well…not give a shit what anyone wanting to pass judgement on me thinks…but please like me (some habits die-hard!)

I have two mottos that I try to live by – ‘Don’t waste time on time wasters’ and ‘I can only make others happy if I’m happy’…no, I’m not a hippie (I do have some hippie tendencies) but I’m done with worrying about what other people think and I’m certainly done with not being happy – what’s the fucking point in that? Life’s too short as they say.

As I said at the beginning of this post, life is about doing what makes you happy in life and by doing that you can spread happiness to those around you. It’s not something that can be changed overnight and it’s not always easy, especially if you’ve always felt you don’t really deserve to be happy, but a single decision can lead to another one that leads to another one and so on until you get to where you want to be.

Be happy.

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15 Comments Add yours

  1. Bravo! I think it took amazing courage to chuck everything and move to a foreign (sweat inducing) land. I’m not sure I’d have to guts to do it.
    As for your girlfriend, kudos son! She’s lovely and you make a very attractive couple. (I’m assuming that’s true when your mouths are closed as well)
    Pay absolutely no attention to people who disapprove without the facts. Yes, it’s bound to happen… close minded, prejudiced idiots are everywhere, but they can only hurt you if you let them.
    You live in a tropical paradise with a beautiful woman.
    I’d say you’re winning that race!

    1. Thank you rivergirl ๐Ÿ˜Š (I wouldnโ€™t like to comment on whether we are attractive when our mouths are closed).

      1. I shall just imagine you close mouthed and sweat free.

      2. Well Iโ€™ll be back in the UK tomorrow for six weeks so their certainly wonโ€™t be any sweating – but I canโ€™t make any promises about my mouth.

      3. Sweat free posts?
        Iโ€™ll try to adjust…

  2. DoMoreBeMore says:

    You know my story so it’ll be no surprise to you when I say … “why does it take something super shit happening to us to make us actually wake up?”
    I think it’s fabulous and amazing that you went and created a new life! – let’s be honest, there’s plenty of people that would’ve gotten out of that bed and gone back to doing exactly what they’d been doing!
    It’s a spiritual and mindset shift (and yeah I’m trying the hippy thing too, talking to the Universe and shit LOL).
    It’ll get easier and easier to care less about what other people think (maybe that’s just my age talking LOL) but being crippled by what other people sux just as much as being stuck in a bed for 3 months.
    Be happy, I say!!! Sounds like you’re in a much much better place and Malinee is a big part of that ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t ever let go of happiness!

    1. Thanks so much, Gabby ๐Ÿ™. Yes it does sometimes take something shit to make something good happen! But hereโ€™s to good times and positive thinking – weโ€™ve both come out the other side so now we just keep walking and moving towards what we want in life. We may have blips along the way but thatโ€™s life. ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ™

  3. Yay for you!! (For you both, actually.) You went through some hell, you’ve come out the other side, and now you’re living the dream. Don’t apologize for it, or look for others’ approval, or pay attention to the judgers. They’re just jealous.

    I knew you were multicultural, but now that I know you’ve been to Canada, I think you’re extra cool. ๐Ÿ˜‰ If I ever get to Bangkok, the husband and I are looking you (and Malinee) up!

    1. Thank you so much for this! This has put a smile on my face ๐Ÿ˜Š.
      I hiked around a huge chunk of Canada and loved it – but why has that made me extra cool? (Wasnโ€™t I that cool already?)
      And if you ever do make it to Thailand Iโ€™d take it as a personal slight if you and your husband didnโ€™t look us up ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿฅณ

      1. It doesn’t make you extra cool. I was kidding. I was just poking fun at my neighbors to the north. Should have put a ๐Ÿ˜‰ face. Sorry. Please don’t rescind the invitation to look you up. ๐Ÿ™‚

      2. Sorry, I’ve been off here for a few days as I’m back in the UK for 5 weeks (I wasn’t ignoring you ๐Ÿ™‚ ) And no, don’t worry, the invitation has not and won’t be rescinded…so when do you land in Bangkok? ๐Ÿ™‚

      3. No plans at the moment, but you’ll be the first blogger to know! Looking forward to your blog posts about the motherland! There’s always something exciting happening in England!

      4. I’m sorry to dissapoint you but there shall be no blogs about the motherland…can’t be arsed ๐Ÿ™‚ But I have a backlog of the usual hilarity from little old me in Bangkok which i’ll be posting while I’m here!

      5. Looking forward to the tried and true Liveandletthai1, and don’t worry about the lack of UK blogs. I’ll take up that mantle after our trip there this summer. I aim to amaze you with all the blog post possibilities only Mother England (and step-brother Wales) can offer.

      6. I wait with bated breath!

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