Experiencing An Awkward Massage…

‘I really enjoy having a massage in Thailand’ – eight words that make a lot of people immediately think of…special, ‘happy’ massages. But I am sorry to disappoint you though, as this story isn’t about one of those massages. Each to their own but those kind of massages don’t ‘tickle my fancy’ so to speak but I did have an encounter one time where I was offered some ‘extra relaxation’ during my very first trip to Thailand. The shaking of my head and hand and the awkward silence that followed is ingrained in my memory. The lady in question seemed very embarrassed but I felt more embarrassed than an electric cooker in a swimming pool, (regular readers will know that my sayings are incredibly famous and…well, basically rubbish, but I am sticking with them)

The massage I am writing about today happened a few weeks ago and, although for entirely different reasons thsn the massage mentioned above, it will live long in the memory. The massage parlour in question is called Lavana which can be used as a girl’s name apparently and is also the Hindu word for ‘salt’. I don’t which Lavana this establishment is named after but I didn’t meet any laddies called Lavana and they don’t use salt during any of their massages…thankfully…unless thats something you pay extra for in an unofficial and off the books capacity.

There will now follow a short break in the words for a photograph of Lavana…here it comes…

Lavana Massage, Bangkok

Lavana massage is located on Soi 4 along Sukhumvit Road and once you enter its grounds you feel a million miles away from the noise and car fumes that are 200 metres away. I have been going to Lavana regularly ever since I first came to Thailand (and shortly after the offer of ‘extra relaxation’) and I am always greeted with a warm welcome even though I doubt they remember me from the last time I was there (I don’t think they remember me but maybe they do and they just don’t like me very much?)

Lavana offer all of the massages you could possibly think of (apart from that one…the bad one that you are thinking about…stop it…this isnt that kind of blog!) I could list them all via the medium of words but why do that when I can just post a photo of the ‘menu’ (what do you call the list of things that an establishment such as this has to offer? I was thinking of googling it to see if I could find out but I don’t even know what I would write in Google…’whats the thing called that’s like a menu but isn’t for food but for…other stuff’…hang on, I am googling that exact sentence…won’t be long…here’s the photo of the menu to read while I’m gone)

Lavana Massage ‘menu’

Hi, I’m back….ok, I kid you not, I copied and pasted the sentence above about the ‘menu’ and the first answer on Google was an article by National Geographic about the menu’s of the future (having to eat crickets etc….We already do that in Thailand, guys…get with the programme!) Anyway if you’re interested in the article or don’t believe me here’s the link – https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/future-of-food/future-of-food-agriculture-ecology/

Anyway, where was I? Yes I was entering the massage parlour for a relaxing hour of pampering…like the big bad hard man that I am! (I just growled at the screen…not in a sexy way but in a really tough and mean way).

Once you enter Lavana the cool air hits you as the soft music wafts through the reception area which is filled with plush, comfy sofas. Once you have chosen what massage you want off the ‘menu’ you are told to take a seat to wait for your masseur.

On this fateful day, that will no doubt live long in the history annals of Lavana Massage Spa, I made my way to a sofa and began to feel my body relaxing in anticipation of the indulgence that was coming its way. I was feeling more relaxed than an elk having a pedicure.

After a short wait the masseur who had drawn the short straw to touch my feet, appeared with a pair of slippers for said feet (…where else would I put slippers…why did I write than? I’m not going back to edit it, I’m in full flow and if I stop now I may not start again…and then what would people say? They’d say something like ‘Ah shit…he’s stopped and it was just getting interesting’. Thanks for saying that, I’ll get on with the rest of this story now and stop killing time)

By the way, the offer of slippers are for everyone, I know I am special but I’m not that special. I was guided, in slippered feet, to a row of sinks that were along one side of a narrow corridor and told to sit and take my slippers off (I’ve only just put them on for fu…never mind…relax…hmmm, smell the herbal smoke thing thats wafting around the place). Then the masseur began to wash my feet.

Feet Being Washed In Lavana, Bangkok

Before I go on I should just point out that the feet in the photo above are not mine. I use a foot double for all foot photography…I know this blogging is about sharing experiences but I value my privacy too much to let foot fetish perverts get all hot under the collar over my pegs!

Until I’d moved to Thailand and started coming to this spa, I’d never had my feet washed by someone other than me and even I barely did it to be honest. It’s a bit of a strange feeling…someone is touching and washing my feet and it feels nice…does that mean I’m turned on? Do I have a fetish for people touching my feet? Have I cut my toe nails?! What does the masseur think of my feet? Does she like them? Why does it matter if she likes them? She has probably seen a lot worse than mine..hasn’t see? All of these questions ran around my head like a fox in a shop that doesn’t sell china but something equally likely to smash like glass for example.

With my feet cleaned and dried (yes the masseur will dry them for you, this isn’t a public swimming pool for goodness sake!), I was led to a private room in preparation for the massage. I don’t know what I was expecting but I was quite surprised when I saw a lazy-boy chair sitting in the middle of the room…

The Lazy Boy (And A Weird Ladder Thing)

Thankfully the ladder you can see in the background was just ‘decoration’ and I wouldn’t have to be changing light bulbs or replacing any roof tiles during my massage.

With the lazy-boy (that is the correct name isn’t it?) extended flat the masseur began her magic on my feet with what felt like some kind of hard/scrubby soap which I presume is to give the feet a bit more of a clean and to get rid of any dead, dry skin (I don’t have anything like that on my feet, they’re as smooth as a fridge door in a supermarket)

The massage was going very well, the masseur was doing her part and I, by doing absolutely nothing, was doing my part…but then it happened. I don’t know how long into the massage this was as I had lost track of time. I don’t know if it was the soothing music in the room or the gentle strokes of the masseur’s hands across my (clean and healthy) feet but I began to enter a deep state of relaxation. My eyes grew heavy and the room began to grow darker and darker. The muscles connected to my feet began to slip into a state of calmness rarely felt in normal day life…I felt…really relaxed…and sleepy…and then I heard a noise…a very distinct noise that jolted me from my slumber…yes I had fallen asleep and the only thing that had woken me from this stupor was a huge, rasping snore blasting its way around my nasal area…I had just woken myself up snoring in a massage parlour….I am sexy and I know it.

The masseur seemed to stop her hand movements for a split second before carrying on with her work while I, now very awake, tried to relax again.

I don’t know if this story is better than the embarrassing ‘extra relaxation’ one I had a few years ago but it goes some way to telling you how great a massage they give at Lavana. So if on the off-chance you are heading to Bangkok and you have come across this blog, make sure you make your way there and tell them the snoring westerner sent you!


15 Comments Add yours

  1. 1. I may need more details on the fresh herbal ball repeatedly offered on the menu. Specifically why you didn’t have one.
    2. I’m taking credit for the elk pedicure line. Clearly my fluffy butted photos made an impression.
    3. We’re all thinking of THOSE kinds of massages now, damn you.
    4. And really, everyone knows that ladder leads to an escape hatch should your masseuse get carried away by the shear beauty of your manly feet.

    1. 1. I didn’t have a herbal ball because I don’t know what it is and I hate new experiences.
      2. Yes. You are my inspiration.
      3. Truly sorry about that.
      4. Those feet are my foot doubles. My feet are grotesque slabs of raw hideousness

      1. Haven’t you been paying attention? Balls are in. They’re hot. They’re the new thing. I expect a full ball report after your next nap, I mean massage.

      2. Haha. Balls are hot? Ok I will ask, but if I get a male masseur I am not asking him for his hot balls.

      3. A dedicated blogger would…

      4. Crikey…the gauntlet has well and truly been thrown down there!

      5. But the question remains..
        Are you up to the challenge?

      6. *gulps and wipes sweat of brow*

  2. There are worse noises that could emanate from worse orifices in a massage situation, so I wouldn’t sweat it too much. I’m sure she’s heard worse. 🤭

    1. Haha, as I was writing it I began to realise that people reading it would be expecting a certain other bodily noise to have come out. I then wondered if the end would be a let down but I kept it honest and didn’t go for the ‘windy’ finale 🙂

      1. Frankly, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I’m glad you kept it real. 😷

  3. DoMoreBeMore says:

    Hahaha! The comments are as funny as the blog!! And now I want to know about the balls too! If it’s any consolation, I have woken myself up by snoring in the middle of a massage – whenever they get to my legs I fall asleep!

    1. Haha! I’m not the only one then!? 🙏🙏🙏

  4. That’s an expensive massage! Sounded worth it though. I have too been woken up by a small pur (I dont snore like a man, I promose) coming from my shnoz.

    Re getting in the flow of writing and not being able to stop, I toonhave this issue and when I read over old posts I usually have at least one head in hand moment for each regarding my rambling, don’t feel bad it happens to the best of us.

    1. It is in the pricey range (That’s Bangkok I guess?) but it’s sooo worth it! Glad I’m not the only one waking myself up with a nasal noise 😄

      And yes, I’ve often looked back on my posts and spotted something that shouldn’t be there DESPITE having reread it 3 times ffs!

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