Jet-lag, the bane of every travellers life, I should know because I have done it. I’ve done it a lot. I’ve travelled more times than Richard Branson’s made a complete knob of himself and that’s A LOT! (Sorry to any Branson fans reading this…but he is).
Many people have tried to find ways to cure jet-lag, Warren Buffet the multi-millionaire investor swears by eating 40 bananas in 2 hours prior to take off and Bill Gates makes himself sneeze every 3 minutes during the entire flight. Both of these ‘cures’ are silly and do not work but I have done extensive reasearch and come up with 5 foolproof ways to combat jet-lag!
DON’T FLY ANYWHERE
The cause of jet-lag is flying. You can cut down your chances of getting jet-lag if you don’t fly anywhere. If you MUST fly then keep the flight down to 20 minutes, max!
TRY TO STAY AWAKE FOR THE WHOLE TIME YOU ARE AWAY
If you really must fly for longer than 20 minutes then you could stay awake for the entire time that you’re away but this will take some planning. Airport security is a bit strict when it comes to taking class A drugs onto planes so that 2 week coke binge you were dreaming of can be cancelled right now! Instead you will have to use legal stimulants. I suggest you drink copious amounts of Red Bull (I am NOT being sponsored by them…maybe I should ask them if they’ll sponsor this post?). Aim to drink a whole can every half an hour for your entire trip, therefore minimising the chances of you sleeping to zero. I once had 4 cans of Red Bull at a party once and didn’t sleep for the entire night, so it comes with a Live and Let Thai guarantee!
TAKE SO MUCH KETAMINE THAT YOU ARE SO OUT OF IT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHEN YOU ARE WETTING YOURSELF
One way to make sure you don’t suffer from jet-lag is to sleep for the entire trip. Sleeping pills do not give you a 100% guarantee, so I would suggest dropping a load of horse tranquilizers (ketamine) shortly before going through airport security. By taking them before security you are sure not to be stopped for smuggling drugs and you’ll be perfectly comatose by the time you take off! Once you have arrived at your destination of choice find the nearest illegal drug dealer and score some grade A ketamine and drop it all as soon as possible, therefore minimising your chances of getting jet-lag. Repeat this process until you fly home.
GET ANGRY AND LASH OUT AT PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO YOU OR ARE JUST DOING THEIR JOB.
If none of the above work then you are going to have to travel long haul like everyone else which means fatigue, a feeling of disorientation and extreme mood swings. The only way to make these feelings go away is to lose you temper regularly for three days after landing. Things to include in your lashing out are, be completely unreasonable with everyone, particularly those trying to calm you down, family members, people in shops, vicars, children (especially those under 5 years old) and local mayors. It may be a terrible experience for those that come into contact with you and it may tarnish people views of you for the rest of your live but at least that pesky jet-lag didn’t feel too bad!
DISMANTLE AND DESTROY EVERY SINGLE LONG HAUL PLANE
This is the definitive, fool-proof way to never suffer from jet-lag again. Simply break into every aeroplane hanger with a screwdriver and very quietly and subtly dismantle every plane in the world – it may take a while but boy will it solve a very big problem!
Thank you for reading and I hope these 5 very reasonable tips help you deal with that awful affliction known as jet-lag.
If you know anyone that suffers from it, please feel free to share this with them. Thanks.
(Thank you for reading this utterly stupid and silly post)